Phobias
by kEEpEr of da bEEz
Summary: Parody. What if we discovered what really made the characters of the popular series “Naruto” tick? Well, I have decided to play little miss psychiatrist and explain all their phobias to you... oh, how disturbing this will be... “evil cackle”
1. FEAR THE CHICKENS!

Summary: Behold the depths of my inability to focus on one thing at a time. Parody. What if we discovered what really made the characters of the popular series "Naruto" tick? Well, I have decided to play little miss psychiatrist and explain all their phobias to you... oh, how disturbing this will be... "evil cackle" Oh, and fear the major OOC-ness! FEEEEAAAAR IT!

Disclaimer: No, I don't own the characters from Naruto, although sometimes I like to pretend I do...shut up! Don't criticize me! 'curls into little ball and hisses" fft-ffffft!

Chapter 1: Alektorophobia, the fear of chickens

Gai saw it, standing over by the corner of the house. He KNEW what it was doing, it wouldn't fool him, not the Great Beast of Konoha! These horrible creatures, trying to look sweet and innocent until they got close enough to gouge out your eyes! Yup, you guessed it! These terrible and formidable opponents just so happened to beeeeee...CHICKENS! OH THE HORROR/TERROR!

You maybe wondering why so simple an animal could be so deadly, but believe you me, these are not simple farm yard animals, like ducks or wolves. They are vicious, conniving little crap-sacks who would stop at nothing to take over the world! Yes, that was their plan, to take over the world! (dundundun) And of course, said plot would involve the crushing of the beautiful springtime that is youth! Yes, that's right, all the little kiddies were in grave danger when there were chickens around, and Gai would not stand for such a terrible thing.

Moving into his "nice guy" pose he offered the chicken a chance to escape. "For all that is pure and true, if you do not leave now, I'll show you no mercy, you terrible and feared destroyer of youth!"

The chicken made no move to leave, and the wonderful great green(1) beast of Konoha took that as a sign of a challenge.

"Prepare, beast, for your destruction!" Gai slipped into a defensive pose as he prepared to take down this horrible offense towards mankind.

Kakashi watched from the roof of the house right where Gai was waging his "epic" battle. "Fufufu" He chortled. this was great. He had only recently found out about Gai's intense hatred of chickens, and this little stunt was proving more amusing than he thought it would... Ahhhhh, he could just remember the day he discovered his rival's weakness...

(USELESS FLASHBACK)

Once upon a time, but not so very long ago, in a different time of course, not this one, but one very like it, in a place that was just like this, actually, in technical terms, it was six and a half blocks down the left alley way behind the flower shop that was exactly a two minute walk from Ichiraku's, the farthest bench to the right, no seriously, it looked just like the place you are standing right now,...or is it?...HA, you shall never know, for he was sitting at the time... well, you get the picture...Or do you?...

It was a warm sunny day, the birds were chirping, the dogs were barking, and the lepers were doing their happy-dances in the streets. In fact, it was just last Tuesday, and our dear Kakashi-sensei was off to visit Madame Yerganvonvittymeterschimten to have his fortune told. No, seriously, he was! I have the video tape to prove it... No! I swear to you that I am not stalking him...ok, so maybe just a little..

Anyway, he just so happened to catch sight of his hated rival, when suddenly, a poor lost little chicken wandered its way in between the two, most probably trying to find its way home before it was caught and then ruthlessly murdered for some sick bastard's disgusting enjoyment, and then ...EATEN! Oh, the terrors!...ok, so back onto the subject.

"Oh, vilest of creatures! How dare you try to corrupt the sweet innocence of youth!"...Was that man on crack? and where can I get some? Kakashi was quite a bit more than surprised at this outburst, even considering its source. He continued to watch as Gai challenged the chicken to a "death match", as he put it. Sometimes Kakashi was ashamed to call that man his rival..., ok, so maybe it was a bit more than "sometimes"...

Sadly enough, his death match ended in a draw and Gai solemnly vowed that one day he would rid the world of the evil of chickens...Kakashi seriously doubted that, though he did see a chance for an evil, evil plot... Thus the torture-that-freak-Gai-and-emotionally-scar-the-him-to-no-end plan was hatched. And he also found the coolest name for this plot that said all that could be said about this secret operation... well, you already know what it is soooo...

(END USELESS FLASHBACK)

Kakashi sat on the roof and watched the rematch between the two. Yet again, Gai was getting his ass handed to him by a chicken, and this provided endless mirth to all that watched. "Well, I've done my good deed for today!" He smirked. This was almost better than his icha icha porn he read everyday...almost. And speaking of porn, he really had to be going, for today the bookstores came out with the latest edition of Jiraya's novel. Kakashi giggled in anticipation of all the "fun" he would have tonight...

(To be continued... I think...)

Rants... well, I got the next chapter for this already typed, but I thought that I'd see whether or not anyone liked this before posting the next chapter...And seriously, all these phobias are real, I found a huge list at http: and it had a bunch of fun ones. But, seriously, tell me whether or not anyone wants to read another chapter, or if I should put this crap-sack out of its misery...please review...pleeeeeaaaaase!


	2. Otters! woot!

PROBLEM! Oh my god! This little crap sack wouldn't let me update my story!I don't know why, but it is propbably my fault, so what i had to do was to delete the story and repost it!sobs i lost all my reveiws!So sad! so please reveiw, so i will feel better...that is, only if you care...which nobody does so now i wonder why i am writting this...

Disclaimer: You know I don't own this, I mean,come on! I don't even posses the attention span of a peanut, so really, one must ask themselves, could a moron of this caliber create something so divine? Seriously!

Notes:...yeah, did I mention the continuos caffeine high?...Cuz that explains almost everything...almost...but not the beavers...never the beavers... But it does explain the OOC-ness, or at least ...I can only hope...Oh, and this chapter is dedicated to hikki116 and ASweetKissFromPoisonedLips. Luv ya lots! glomps both

Chapter 2: Lutraphobia: the fear of otters

Kakashi whistled a happy little tune as he almost skipped to his favorite place in the world. It was a little bookshop not too far from the place where he had watched Gai humiliate himself in front of almost all of Konoha. Damn, what a great way to spend a nice sunny day. He looked at his watch and saw that it was only 7:00 and that the book store would be opening about now. He quickened his lazy pace and grinned in anticipation. Today was a good day.

He reached the store just as the lady that owned it and her daughter unlocked the door. He gave a casual wave to the two women and the youngest let out a loud sgueal and tried to jump him. Not that he didn't appreciate the free feel that came with it, he didn't enjoy it when the owner came over and tried to beat her off with a broom, whacking him several times in the process.

He escaped that fiasco with only a few bruises and stepped over to the 'special interest' section. The anticipation of reading his perverted novel was almost too much to bear as he did his 'happy happy' dance when he spotted it. He quickly snatched it and ran to the counter at thefront of the store, all the while dancing his special dance. The daughter from earlier checked out his purchase and looked up at the man in front ofher. Kakashi couldn't resist and wiggled his eyebrows at her. Poor girl almost died from blood loss.

Kakashi stood on top of the Hokage monuments and opened his new book. He knew that he had already stood up his team again for about an hour, but right now he didn't care. He randomly picked a page to start reading at, and gaped in horror at what he saw. What was that man doing with that otter? Kakashi managed a girly scream that surprised even him, and chucked the book as far away as he could. The book went over the side of the monument, and landd with a thud and a scream...A scream? He went over to inspect. The poor woman had the book imbedded in her forehead, at leat a good inch or so. If that didn't kill her, then he hoped she wouldn't open it, because the otter insde would do it for him. He cursed his good aim, and this incident also convinced him that he was right about otters being the devil's spawn.

Those...things were vicious, and probably part of a conspiracy for world domination. He always suspected them of something, trying to look inconspicious as they floated in the water on their backs and watched every move he made. They were probabl gathering informaton on him to cause his untimely demise, damn things. See, these were not happy and cute creatures like a ferret, or a walrus, they were sneaky, and you could never guess what tey were up to underneath the water. Probably building nuclear weapons using clam shells and toilet paper. If that is even possible, which i don't know, so why don't all you kiddies go home and testthat theory out... ummm yeah... eh-heh...

So, anyways, to make a long story short, lets just say that Kakashi had plenty of baised facts against these evil spawns of satan. Have i mentioned that they were baised?... because if you heard all of them, you would not only question Kakashi's sanity, but your own as well, if you aren't already, for reading this fic in the first place

Kakashi slunk away from the crime scene, not wanting to be wrongfully convicted of murder. Sure, it was his book, and he threw it, but...but IT WASN'T HIS FAULT! IT WAS THE OTTERS!... ok...so, calming down now...

"HATAKE KAKASHI! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING!"

'Shit' It was the Hokage

"HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THIS!" She was holding up the horrible and evil blood stained book of ottery-doom.

'double shit'

"YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR MISDEEDS...WITH...hmm i shall have to think about this..."

'Fuckitty fuck fuck fuck' These people were believing the horrible lies the otters were setting up for his doom.DAMN THEM ALL!

Jirarya stood behind the monuments, silently watching this event. As soosn as the Hokage and her prisoner were out of hearing range, he started to cackle like a mad man. This was indeed proving to be a wonderful day! Now ... what was it that he had to do?...Oh, yes, of course, research...

TO BE CONTINUED...i hope...

RANTS:

I love you people! I got a bunch of lovely reviews from everyone! It made me sooooo happy! So you all have to review, or i seriously will go and find a corner to curl up and die in! Seriously!...okay, i admit it, i really am a horrible liar...but i still will go and curl up in a corner...Please...reveiw...Oh, and my idea is that all the phobia stories are linked like this to the chapter before it, so Jirarya is next...eh-heh...Such fun we shall have with this...such fun...Wow, i sound really creapy...oh, well, what can you do!...Now that i've read this story, it doesn't seem as funny as the other one...i'm sooooooo sorry...sobs i really truely suck, don't I? Don't worry, i won't mind if you don't like it...just be nice...sigh i think i should shut up now...But i have to tell you something funny! When i did spell check on this thing, it told me that the word "motherfucker" was one word... and this was at school...Isn't that odd... A school computer fixing my swear words...


	3. Foaming at the mouth

Summary:...I will not lie to you...

Disclaimer: Today, for lunch, I had nachos at school...bad move...right about now, the nacho cheese is thickening in my stomach to the EXACT texture of congealing paste...yum, paste...and the point of this story is to tell you that I DO NOT own Naruto... can you see the connection?...I should hope not...

Chapter 3: Kynophobia, the fear of rabies.

Naruto rolled out of bed that morning, with a serious need of sleep, and one bitching hangover. How he got the hangover is one of the many great mysteries of this world, most probably involving tequila body shots, a slutty sue and his rival Sasuke who had his birthday the night before...Well, he tried, but then ended up almost choking on his own vomit...with as much dignity as a drunk and vomiting person can have... but that is a different story, for another time...

Well, anyways, in the process of rolling (literally) out of bed, and whacking his head on the floor, he came up with the most brilliant idea that a person could with the IQ of a stapler, and that was to pretend to be sick in order not to have to train with Jirarya this lovely morning...or he could just die, and then that would take care of the headache as well... but that was too predictable...or so he thought...stupid little child...

Of course, he didn't know how to pretend to be sick, so, well, that was the problem… but, very much to his surprise, he remembered something he had seen on one of those damn British comedies he had seen on a public service channel. There was this idiot man trying to get out of work and needed to make up a terminal disease and then put a bar of soap in his mouth so it looked like he had rabies (or maybe he just wanted to look like me when I was excited, me being so very cool and all :continues to stroke own ego:). Well, at this time of the morning, and with that state of mind, that sounded like a grand idea…and that goes to show how very idiotic he was being at the time…

Without fully planning this expedition, Naruto grabbed a bar of soap in the bath room, and ran out to meet Jirarya in all his pajama-d glory. And without shoes….gross…and it just so happened to be national break-all-your-glass-in-the-house-and-throw-it-in-the-streets day, in celebration of some obscure pagan ritual about fertility and crap…sucks to be Naruto..

Jirarya was waiting patiently for Naruto to come, still giggling over his childish prank on Kakashi("That'll show him for making fun of my bad grammar")…well actually, he was spying on the women's bath…but that doesn't sound as heroic as waiting patiently…but that is probably only in my mind, so don't listen to me… when Naruto arrived at a run, all scratched and bloody and foaming at the mouth. He looked like the victim of an animal attack…a …a RABID animal attack…

"Gaspwheezegaspwheezegaspwheeze…."

Naruto wondered what was going on with his ero-senin, but took his apparent look of absolute horror to be a sign of him believing his charade, and took a step closer.

"Gaspwheeze…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Naruto didn't know that it was possible for his mentor to scream so much like a girl… to bad he didn't have much time to contemplate, for the women using said bath discovered their presence, and were indignant at the unwelcome intrusion. They were suddenly surrounded by scary, raging, and nearly naked females with a blood lust that would even scare Gaara. These women proceeded to beat the living shit out of Jirarya, but when they turned to beat Naruto, he gave them the cutest chibi look that anyone had ever seen, and the hearts of all the women softened.

15 minutes later, Naruto had a large harem, and some poor random anbu was charged in scraping Jirarya off the wall. "So, maybe this is not going to be such a bad day after all…"

But little did he know, Sasuke was waiting for him…

Rants: I…I have nothing to say…. ….. …. I feel so lost… Please review …


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